Making Space to Grieve Amidst COVID-19
by Dr. Michelle Beatch

We’ve all heard the familiar adage: “Keep calm and carry on.”

There’s a reason why an expression like this becomes part of our lexicon. It’s easy to remember, and there’s a simple message here that asks us to draw upon our inner strengths, meet the challenges of the day, and to sustain social harmony.

But in its simplicity and call to action, there’s something really important that is missing. A crucial step that would allow us to bring more of who we are to the situation at hand: permission to grieve. Around the world there is so much that people are having to let go of right now, and there needs to be time and space for all of us to grieve.

All it takes is a few moments to allow this to happen. It isn’t about wallowing or being overtaken by grief. It’s about making space to be with how you’re feeling and to be with what is lost, and what must be let go of. That feels vital right now.

In my counselling practice, my clients are sharing what they must come to terms with in their own lives, from the loss of work/income, the loss of freedom to leave an abusive relationship, to a sea of cancellations, from graduations, much needed family holidays, and for one, a lost journey overseas to care for a long-distance relationship hanging by a thread. I see my clients getting really choked up as they describe their loss and then they’ll shut it down right away. Given the magnitude of what we are facing, with those making such great sacrifices to provide essential services, for those separated from or losing loved ones, grieving anything less important feels wrong. One is then compelled to cut off and suppress their personal grief.

No matter what your situation is, there’s likely something that you have to let go of. Even in the context of world events, we need to acknowledge that each of us is likely experiencing loss of something that’s important and meaningful to us. Thus, we all need space to grieve.

With safety and permission, we can allow grief to emerge. My clients are grateful when they have been able to grieve their losses, rather than thinking “I shouldn’t feel this because there are losses and concerns greater than mine.”

Titles such as Bessell Van der Kolk’s When the Body Keeps the Score and Gabor Mate’s When the Body Says No reflect the growing understanding of the effects of not attending to and caring for our grief (or any emotion), and the significant negative consequences on our minds and bodies.

So, in practice, we can care for our grief and all the difficult emotions arising at this time by following a sequence of steps, as in the RAIN technique, developed by Tara Brach and other Buddhist teachers. To begin, we Recognize what’s happening (This might be as simple as naming the emotion.) and Allow the emotion to be there. We also Investigate. Where does the emotion sit in the body? Finally, we Nurture. Draw upon self-compassion, the compassion of others or the loving self you aspire to be.

(For more about RAIN, please visit https://www.tarabrach.com/rain/)

I also invite you to consider: Who in your life is it safe to be vulnerable with? Is there someone who can accompany you? I encourage you to connect with others where you feel welcome to be open about what you are experiencing emotionally. Your vulnerability will create a safe space for others to be vulnerable.

If no one is available or comes to mind, I encourage you to find other tools, like writing a letter or in a journal, create music or poetry, draw or paint, turn to meditation or prayer – call on resources that are meaningful to you. One that I recommend to many clients is the tranquility practice of loving-kindness or unconditional friendliness. Meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg offers beautiful guided meditations that introduce this practice (available via dharmaseed.org).

The key is to honour the process. Yes, it is necessary that we all must “keep calm and carry on,” but life is messy, and we must also allow ourselves to feel the whole range of difficult emotions that may arise at this time, be it grief, fear, sadness, disgust or despair, to name a few! If we can acknowledge these darker, tender, at times harsh aspects of our experience, there is a natural letting go of both our feelings and of what we were hoping to hold on to. Validation and processing of these feelings lead to transformation, which feels something like a moment of grace, or acceptance. If we can allow the natural arising and passing away of our grief, then we will be better able to embody “keep calm and carry on,” and generously offer the love, patience, compassion, and care for others that’s so dearly needed at this time.